As a business coach, I spend a lot of my time discussing communication skills with my clients. Since I work with both men and women, I understand better than most, that the discussion on this matter is different. For the most part, men want to control the conversation and women want to participate in it. The fact is communication, regardless of the parties involved, must be thought of as a bridge.

You see, in every conversation there are always two sides and each side must be given equal consideration and eventually move to a consensus. Women naturally understand this, but sometimes have trouble moving the dialogue forward in their own self-interest and thereby never bridging the communication gap.

For example, in every conversation between two people the goal of each individual is to communicate their point of view and listen to the other person's perspective. Too often men, and some women, believe they can eventually control, or better said change, the perspective of the other person. Unfortunately, this tactic rarely, if ever works, and generally makes matters worse as the person feeling pressured to changed digs in her (his) heels and becomes inflexible to suggestion.

We cannot control other people. We cannot control how other people think. We can control ourselves and our own thinking. Most important, we can change ourselves in order to work toward changing others.

Let’s get back to my metaphor of the bridge and its importance for women in business, women entrepreneurs and women business owners. Every time you have an important conversation coming up, you must spend time thinking about what your ultimate goal is for a conclusion.

For example, let's say you have performance reviews schedule with your staff. Since each employee is a unique individual, each conversation should be customized. Instinctively you know that not each employee will react the same way to the same procedure. Therefore prepare for each and the outcome will benefit from doing your homework. Some people respond best to a direct approach while others need time to process information. If you focus on your approach as much as you focus on the desire outcome you'll have a better chance of finding the common ground, or the center of the bridge.

My mother taught me "you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar", and she was right. All people enjoy a little bit of flattery or a polite approach better than demands barked at them. And, if you think there is a middle between the two you are wrong. So, start using the honey approach. It will guarantee you an opportunity to progress your dialogue to a place of win-win.

Another example of how this can work for women working with a controlling boss would be to consider what the boss's true objectives are. Does the boss just want what (s)he wants no matter what? Does the boss not know how to communicate any other way? Does the boss believe (s)he is right no matter what just because (s)he is the boss? These bosses are too busy worrying about control than to listen to you.

Your first goal is to get the boss onto the bridge in the first place. The only way you will be able to meet in the middle is if you are able to get the boss moving. Start by restating what the boss has said an agreeing with the parts you can while carefully modifying the areas you differ with. Again, keep thinking honey not vinegar. Do your best to come up with an alternative to what your boss wants by suggesting it is his/her idea if your boss is a goal seeker. You'll be able to bridge your communication gap because you have expertly manipulating your own perspective to somewhat match the boss while getting your goals met as well.

Communication is not always easy at home or at work for men or for women. But, with some visualization (a bridge) and understanding that we can only control our own thoughts and goals, we can communicate more successfully with even the most difficult people.

(This blog was written by me several years ago, but is being reblogged because good communication skills remain to be a top priority for women in business).